Before You React, Ask One More Question
One thing I've noticed over the years is how quickly we form opinions about people.
A learner answers back in class, a parent sends what appears to be a rude message to the school, a colleague remains unusually quiet during a meeting, a staff member questions a decision, and before long, we've already concluded what kind of person they must be.
"She's difficult."
"He's disrespectful."
"That parent likes trouble."
"She's always negative."
Maybe; or maybe not.
The older I get, the more I realise that behaviour is often the part of the story we see, while everything that gave birth to it remains hidden.
That is why I've come to believe that before we react, especially as teachers, parents, school leaders, and professionals, we should ask ourselves one more question.
"Could there be something I'm yet to understand?"
That single question has the potential to change conversations, preserve relationships, and prevent conflicts that never needed to happen in the first place.
We Judge Behaviour Faster Than We Understand It
Psychologists have long observed that human beings naturally try to make sense of other people's behaviour. In fact, social psychologist Lee Ross described what he called the Fundamental Attribution Error, our tendency to explain another person's behaviour by their character while paying little attention to the circumstances surrounding it.
Think about how often this happens.
A learner submits an assignment late and is labelled lazy, a teacher forgets an important deadline and is described as irresponsible, and a parent becomes emotional during a meeting and is considered difficult.
Sometimes those conclusions may be accurate, and many times, they are incomplete.
What we often see is behaviour, and what we rarely see is the weight the person is carrying.
Behaviour Is Often a Messenger
One of the reasons I enjoy working with children is that they constantly remind us that behaviour communicates.
A child who suddenly becomes disruptive may not simply be "misbehaving". They may be frustrated, anxious, overwhelmed, or struggling to express something they do not yet have the words to say.
Interestingly, adults are not very different.
The colleague who seems withdrawn may be dealing with grief, the teacher who appears impatient may be emotionally exhausted, and the parent who sounds defensive may simply be afraid that their child is not being understood.
Recognising this does not mean we excuse inappropriate behaviour; however, it simply means we resist the temptation to define people by one moment.
Curiosity Is One of the Greatest Leadership Skills
Carl Rogers believed that genuine understanding begins when we make an honest effort to see the world from another person's perspective. His work on empathy continues to influence counselling, education, and helping professions because it reminds us that people are more likely to grow when they feel understood than when they feel judged.
I think the same applies to leadership.
Whether you're leading a classroom, a school, a family, or a team, curiosity is one of your greatest strengths. It asks questions before drawing conclusions, wonders before it worries, and it listens before it labels.
Sometimes, all someone needs is the opportunity to clarify what they meant.
One More Question Can Change Everything
Over the years, one coaching principle has shaped the way I approach difficult conversations. It encourages us to look beyond behaviour and become curious about the intention or need that may be driving it.
Although this is not an established psychological law and should not be treated as one, I have found it to be an incredibly helpful way of approaching people.
Instead of asking,
"Why would they behave like that?"
I now find myself asking,
"What might have led them to respond this way?"
Notice the difference.
🔶 The first question quietly searches for someone to blame.
🔶 The second searches for understanding.
Sometimes the answer reveals fear, disappointment, misunderstanding, or nothing more than two people interpreting the same situation differently.
Psychological Safety Begins With Being Heard
Professor Amy Edmondson's work on psychological safety reminds us that people contribute more openly when they believe they can express themselves without fear of embarrassment or humiliation.
Dear Educator, think about your own experiences.
Have there been moments when you wished someone had asked you one more question before deciding they already knew what you meant?
Most of us have.
We must keep in mind that being heard does not always mean people will agree with us.
But it does mean they have taken the time to understand us before responding.
That is how trust grows.
☘️
The next time someone says something that catches you off guard, resist the urge to respond immediately.
Pause, take a breath, then ask yourself one more question.
🔶 "Could there be something I'm yet to understand?"
You may still disagree with the person, and still need to address the behaviour.
But your response is likely to come from understanding rather than assumption.
And that changes everything.
After all, the goal isn't to win every conversation.
It's to leave people feeling respected, even when difficult conversations have to be had.
Perhaps that is one of the quiet marks of emotional maturity and effective leadership.
Not that we always have the right answers, but that we ask better questions before we react.
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